I am a Cancer – that is my Sun Sign. According to most Astrology books and websites Cancerians are known for being highly intuitive. I have always been able to sense certain things. I knew when a boyfriend had cheated on me once and he was in another state and there was absolutely no reason for me to think so. Another time I woke up at 5am with a feeling that someone was going to call me and he was calling at that time. My ringer was off so if I hadn’t looked at my phone I would not have known. Other times I just had feelings there was something off about a person and found out later that I was right. Most of the time my intuition doesn’t really help me because I don’t like to listen to it. I have a disease of perception and I have a hard time distinguishing between intuition and fear. In the case of my boyfriend cheating you might say I was insecure and afraid that he wouldn’t be faithful and it was fear – rather than intuition – that drove me to call him and confront him.
I have dated a lot of men over the years. I am 38, have been dating since I was 14 and have never been in a relationship that lasted more than 2-3 years. There were only three of those. I have taken time off from dating – 6 months here, 3 months there, 9 months most recently. However, the remainder of the time I have been actively dating and a lot of it has been online. I have been on probably close to 100 first dates. I have likely been on at least 50 second dates. The numbers drop significantly after that. I have probably only been on 10-12 third dates so on and so forth. What I have noticed is that most of the time I am not interested after the first date so I do not contact the man and if he contacts me I simply tell him I think he seems like a great guy, but I don’t see a romantic future for us. Sometimes I will give a guy a second date before I give up, but typically I don’t like to waste my time if there was no spark.
There are rare occasions when there is a spark. Going back I can think of the men I’ve dated that I was really into right away. The majority of the time we would go out a second or third time, but inevitably he would slowly fade off the scene. I would never get an explanation and would be left wondering what on earth happened. We both seemed to have a great time with each other. There was no way I imagined the sexual chemistry between us. I did not have sex with him (most of the time) so it isn’t like he got what he wanted and moved on. It is seriously baffling to me. I eventually let it go, but then it happens again and it brings up every memory from before and can’t help but wonder if there is something wrong with me.
About a week ago I went on a date with a new guy – we’ll call him “The Realtor”. It was a Sunday evening. We met at a bar. I told him right away that I don’t drink and that I am actually sober and a member of AA. I no longer wait to disclose that shit because if that is going to scare you off then let’s not waste anyone’s time. Plus I don’t like lying about why I can’t ever hang out on Mondays or Thursdays and why these crazy gals call me all the time and I have to answer. The Realtor said he had actually dated a woman in the program before so he was familiar. Cool! The bar had a secret “back bar” that you could get to from the alley. It was like a speakeasy. He took me there and it was pretty cool. We talked for over two hours. We laughed and the conversation just flowed. It wasn’t the typical “where are you from” and “how many siblings do you have” either. We did ask a few generic questions, but most of the conversation was actually somewhat interesting. We both are fascinated by serial killers so he asked me who my favorite serial killer was and I told him and then asked him who his was. This would never be normal for most people, but I’m not most people. We talked about comedy and music and had a lot of the same tastes in both. When we left he sent me a text telling me he had fun with me and we should get together and play games sometime soon. I told him I enjoyed his company and agreed that a game night sounded fun.
The Realtor sent a text the following day (Monday) asking if I was available Wednesday night. I was so we made plans. We sent texts back and forth Tuesday discussing what we would do the following day. Wednesday came and the date was amazing! We met at one bar and then rode to the next one together. He kissed me in the car and it was the kind of kiss that makes you forget where you are for a minute. We went and played games and laughed and talked and had a blast. We were being flirty and cute and it felt like we had known each other for way longer than a few days. After the bar we went to a diner to eat. We made out in my car in the parking lot before walking into the diner. The chemistry was unreal. He was such a good kisser. I actually let him get to second base in the car and yes I know I just used the sexual slang of a 13 year old boy. I told him I hadn’t fooled around in a car like that since I was 17. He laughed and said that was his special move. We ate and talked some more. It was after midnight when I brought him back to his car. We made out and fooled around some more.
I ended up sharing with him that I have an STD that isn’t curable, but is in remission and it is highly unlikely that I will pass it to him (less than a 2% chance). I felt like I should tell him this because things got pretty hot and heavy and I wasn’t sure what would happen the next time we hung out. I know I wouldn’t have sex with him, but if we did other things I felt like he should still be aware. He told me he still wanted to make out with me so we did that some more. I felt a bit awkward at the end of the night because I felt like maybe I shouldn’t have disclosed that so early, but I guess if that is going to scare him off it is better to know now. He sent me a text saying “Sleep well” and I didn’t respond. I was feeling really conflicted and the thought crept into my head that every other time the chemistry had been off the charts and I really liked a guy this early the results had been negative and sometimes even quite emotionally damaging.
I spent most of Wednesday night looking at articles about instant chemistry and if it is good or bad. The opinions were split about 50/50. Some psychologists said that the chemistry is fine provided that there are other desirable traits and there is more to the relationship than a physical connection. I felt like with all the time we spent hanging out and talking that there was definitely more. Thursday morning he sent a text that said he hoped he didn’t keep me out too late and was looking forward to seeing me again. We had discussed hanging out Sunday before we parted ways on Wednesday night. I responded that I was tired, but it was worth it and I was looking forward to seeing him too. I spent Thursday night looking at articles about intuition versus fear and how to know the difference. They feel the same – a feeling in my gut or the pit of my stomach. A psychologist once told me that when I feel that instant connection with someone that it is addiction, not attraction and I should turn and run in the other direction. I felt like the fear that I was feeling might be intuition telling me to steer clear of this guy because it would not end well. However, the articles I read said that fears were based on prior negative experiences while intuition was based more on the present circumstances and an general sense of what to do next.
I talked to my sponsor today and she said to go on a third date if I want to and see where things go. She said not to make decisions based on something one psychologist said a long time ago. It made sense. I sent a text to The Realtor this morning wishing him a happy Friday and asking if he was jealous I was going to see this cover band. It was a banc we had discussed on Sunday that he made fun of me for liking. He responded, but the response was one that did not require anything further from me. He made no mention of future plans. I didn’t hear from him the rest of the day. I sent him a text about 12 hours later (this was a mistake I now realize). He responded to that also. We sent a couple texts back and forth, but still no mention of seeing me again and he wasn’t flirty at all. He stopped responding. I deleted his number so I can’t contact him again. I logged onto the dating app we met on when I got home an hour later and he was online. He hadn’t been online ever before when I had gone on since Sunday. I disabled the app I met him on. I just can’t be on it and constantly see him online. Plus I sincerely doubt I will hear from him again because he obviously is more interested in looking for someone else than chatting with me and has made no attempt to secure plans with me.
Basically I am sad and confused and frustrated. I just don’t understand what happened. the STD thing weirded him out I totally get that, but then no need to text me after we parted ways and again on Thursday. Also, no need to respond to my texts if he is moving on. He seemed like a good guy, but the only reason I can think of for him responding to my texts today is to keep me on the hook in case nothing better comes along before Sunday. I am not going to be contacting him again. If on the off chance he reaches out tomorrow or Sunday I don’t even know if I want to see him again. I feel really disenchanted and like my heart isn’t safe with him. Another trait of a Cancerian is that we need to feel secure and safe with a romantic partner and we do not handle rejection well. I don’t think I could be myself around him anymore. My walls are up. It is just sad. I keep coming back to the same place that there is just no point in dating. Love just eludes me for some reason and it is really painful to get my hopes up just to have them dashed yet again.
Oh and then to add salt to the wound I was scrolling through Tinder (a different app than the one I met him on) and I came across The Realtor’s profile. I am positive he created it recently – I have been active on Tinder and know I would have come across it before if his profile had been on there for a while. I also saw this guy who did something similar to me a few years back. We had one date – I thought it was awesome. I sent one text the next day and he responded, but never asked to hang out again and I never heard from him after that. Part of me wanted to swipe right on that guy to see if we matched just to ask why he did that and why he couldn’t just be mad enough to tell me he wasn’t interested. I decided not to be psycho and to write to you all instead.
Time for bed. That’s all for now!