When you don’t get the job

I applied for a job as a Director in my field.  I am currently a manager and have been for nearly 3 years.  I have been in my career for over a decade and have a very good track record of success.  I made it through a phone interview with the recruiter, an in person interview with the hiring manager, and a panel interview with five people at one time.  The panel interview was nearly a week ago and it was the final phase of the interview process.  I was the first panel interview.  They told me there were other candidates that needed to be interviewed and they would let me know once they completed that phase.

I am fairly certain I did not get the job since they want the person to start the end of January.  My guess is that they made an offer to another candidate and aren’t letting the other candidates know they did not receive the job until everything is signed and the candidate is cleared for employment.  It is what I would do if I were hiring for a role and had more than one qualified candidate.  I know I did well in the interviews and I know I would be a good fit for the position.  However, I do not have experience in that particular industry and it would be a promotion for me.  There is likely another candidate that has experience I don’t or is currently a Director somewhere else.  I knew this was the case and was proud to have made it as far as I did.  It still sucks to not get the job.

This was the last job of several I had applied for that didn’t pan out for one reason or another.  I made it to varying stages in the interview process with each.  This one felt really good though.  I liked the company a lot and the role seemed to be very similar to what I have just done at my current company.  I would have been working for a woman which would have been nice after working for a man that seems to prefer to work with men.  I feel sad to be stuck in my current job when I had so much hope of something better.  It is very depressing.  I am already depressed so this really doesn’t help matters.  Oh and my psychologist won’t respond to my text message or voicemail so that is super awesome.  Getting ghosted by an asshat on Tinder is one thing, but being ghosted by the therapist you’ve been seeing for 8 years is another matter entirely.

Sad day today.


Hope Hurts Sometimes

I go through phases where I am in acceptance of the fact that God’s plan may not be for me to find a romantic partner to share my life with.  I wouldn’t say I am ever at peace with that necessarily, but I can get to a place where I accept it.  During those times I may be a little sad and lonely and wonder why God put the desire in my heart to be with someone if he didn’t intend to fulfill that desire, but I can’t expect to understand how God works.  Before you say “I am sure God has someone just for you and when you are ready” or “You will find someone as soon as you stop looking” or anything else you might be tempted to say to me let me explain why those statements are hurtful and irritating to someone like me.

First of all, there have been times I wasn’t looking and the men that “appeared” during those times hurt me worse than the men I found when looking.  The unexpected relationships gave me more hope since everyone says you find the one when you aren’t looking.  I was asked out by a guy I had a crush on for over a year after I had completely given on the possibility of dating him.  It happened on a day I rolled out of bed and put some dry shampoo in my hair and wasn’t even wearing makeup.  We dated for a few months and in the beginning it was amazing.  We had so much in common and we spent time together as friends first.  Then we began dating and the physical chemistry between us was unbelievable.  Slowly, he seemed to lose interest in me and when I would question him about it he would say he was just busy and stressed with work or depressed because he hated his job.  We worked together so I knew that those things were true, but something didn’t feel right.  Finally, after about a month of him growing more and more distant I told him that he wasn’t behaving in the way a man does when he really cares about a woman and I wasn’t going to accept any excuses.  He admitted that he believed I was more emotionally connected to him than he was to me and wasn’t sure how I would feel about that.  Well I didn’t feel good about that at all.  I told him I didn’t want to be with someone I liked more than he liked me.  He then went on to say that there was no reason not to like me…I was beautiful and a great person.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  I told him there wasn’t anything else to discuss and to take care.  I have had to spend 40 hours a week with him right outside my office door ever since.  🙂

I didn’t really date much after that.  Nobody really compared to him.  I thought about calling him all the time.  I don’t know why.  It didn’t make sense that I would want to spend time with someone who didn’t care about me and made me feel so terrible.  I was just so sad that things didn’t work out when they started out so well.  I had real hope that he was someone special and that this relationship might be significant and he didn’t even like me.  I felt so stupid for allowing myself to care about someone so much and to have hope.  I should know better.  Relationships never work out for me.  I don’t know why I can’t just give up completely and stay in the acceptance of being alone.

December rolled around and I had started dating again.  I came across a man on Tinder (I know – Tinder was my first mistake) and we matched.  He instantly messaged me and was funny and seemed like a genuine person.  After a couple of days of messaging I realized we had gone to high school together and he was in my graduating class.  He looked totally different and I had not recognized him.  He knew who I was and I caught on before he figured out I didn’t recognize him at first.  He asked me out and we went to a restaurant.  We talked for 6 hours.  The server actually had to kick us out so they could close.  He walked me to my car and gave me a hug.  The next day he sent me a text telling me he had a great time.  I responded saying I had a great time as well and would love to hang out again.  He asked when I was available and I told him I was free the following day and later that week.  He chose the following day so we went bowling and then back to my house to watch a shark movie (we are both shark nerds).  We spent about 7 hours together on the second date.  I found him so attractive – especially his eyes.  I could seriously stare into them forever.  He was one of the nice guys – or so I thought.  Finally I was attracted to a normal, nice guy.  The next day he was distant and the following day he completely ignored my text.  The day after he sent a text apologizing for not getting back to me sooner and that he thinks he might take a break from dating and best wishes.  I was like WTF?  Again, I allowed myself to have hope.  I was so angry at myself.  I had already been depressed so this hit really hard.  I don’t think I had fully recovered from the earlier rejection so this was rejection on top of rejection.  Plus I have no idea what happened.  I wrote back and asked for an explanation if he cared to share.  He never responded.  The thing is I still think he is one of the nice ones.  I have been screwed over by nice ones before.  I don’t understand what makes me such an easy mark – why are men like “oh she’s a great person, let me just fuck her head up a bit”.  I want to tell them to go mess with mean girls.  I don’t mean to sound like a victim.  I am the one who continues to open my heart up only to be wounded yet again so it is all my fault.

I hate feeling the way I felt when the high school guy ignored my text.  I was so sad and defeated.  I really wanted to do something to numb the pain and I am sober so I don’t really have a way to do that without giving up 18 years of sobriety.  I decided after this last blow that I am really done with dating.  I know it will be hard at first, but eventually I will get used to it.  Dating is like any other habit.  I just need to get new routines and get used to living without it.  I got off all dating sites and all social media.  Facebook and Instagram were just other places where I could send a friend request to a cute guy I met at a party or some guy could like my posts and I could get excited only to discover he likes everyone’s posts and it means nothing.  I am hoping I can eventually go back to social media and stay away from that bullshit, but for now it is too big a temptation.  This is Day 2 and it has been really hard.  I keep picking up my phone and realizing I have absolutely no reason to look at it.  I will hear it if someone calls or sends a text and the only emails I get are bill reminders and telemarketing.  I do have more time to post on here and meditate.  I will probably post a lot because I have so many thoughts and feelings and I don’t want to suck the emotional energy out of all my friends.

I would love to hear from anyone that is living a single life intentionally and how they cope with the lack of physical affection and loneliness.



Is It Worth It?

I took about nine months off from dating beginning in April 2018 and ending January 2019.  Summer 2018 was one of the best summers of my life.  I went skydiving, cliff jumping, to a friend’s cabin, to the North Shore with my family, spent numerous nights staying up late talking with friends, enjoying the sunshine, hiking, walking, biking, and being really present in each moment.  I wasn’t worried about whether or not he liked me, or why he was talking to that girl instead of me, or if he was going to call, or why he didn’t text me at all that day, or what he meant when he said “we should go to Colorado sometime”, or why he used to heart my status updates on FB and then only liked them, or if we had sex too soon or too much or not enough…  The list could go on and on.

I know I am not the only one that gets a little crazy in the head when it comes to men.  Many of my friends are the same way.  I spend so much time analyzing every detail to try and determine if this one is going to hurt me as bad as the others or if I am going to hurt him like a did a few guys in the past.  I try to figure out the ending before it has really begun.  I want to know what we are and where it is going and how risky this will be.  It makes my head ache – literally.  I just want to be safe even though I know that is not possible when dating.  I am just questioning is dating or a relationship really worth all this?  I don’t really know.

I just want to go back to how I felt last summer.  Everything has changed though.  Blah.  Sometimes life blows.

Play on Playa

So the Realtor did text me that Saturday evening to say “Hey. How is your day going.”  I responded and then asked “What are you up to?”  He said “Heading to the gym.”  The conversation was so thrilling I could hardly stand it.  I never responded to the gym text, deleted the thread, and went about my night.  I had already deleted his number and figured since he still had not mentioned hanging out on Sunday that we probably weren’t going to.

Sunday came and he sent me a text in the early afternoon asking what I wanted to do that night and saying that his week had been really long and he would prefer to do something relaxing.  I told him that I was down for a relaxing evening, but that if he would rather not hang out that would be fine too.  I wanted to give him an out because I wasn’t sure how much I was looking forward to hanging out with him after discovering he was still active on the dating app we met on and finding out he had another profile on a different dating app.  He replied that he wanted to see me so we made plans for me to bring dinner to his place and watch a movie.

Once I got there we chatted for a bit.  He said “so, you were Tindering last night?”  I laughed nervously.  He showed up in my “Liked You” section and I had swiped right forgetting that he could have done that weeks ago.  I unmatched him hoping he would never know we had matched.  Obviously he knew.  We made out a bit and then ate dinner.  We made out some more and he brought me in the bedroom.  He tried to take my pants off, but I told him I do not have sex with someone if we are still dating other people and that my pants would be staying on.  He didn’t say anything about only dating me, but he didn’t say much of anything at all since we were in the throes of passion.  😉  We watched a movie after that (which I was supposed to pick out, but it was more of a compromise which was kind of annoying).

He wanted to cuddle during the movie and he stroked my hair and gave me kisses.  After the movie we fooled around again.  He didn’t try to take off my pants so he was respectful of the boundary I set, but both times we fooled around he had an orgasm (thanks to me).  I didn’t have any orgasms.  I enjoyed myself, but found it a bit irritating that he didn’t seem to care about my sexual needs.  Granted I wasn’t allowing him to take my pants off, but I was wearing leggings so he had some options.  My overall sense at the end of the evening was that despite being very nice to me he was pretty focused on getting off, didn’t seem to be looking for an exclusive relationship despite being more than willing to sleep with me, and was probably not looking for the type of relationship I want.

I told him I think we are looking for different things so I wasn’t sure we should continue to hang out.  He seemed genuinely confused and said that he would like to see me again, but that if I didn’t want to he understood.  I tried to explain that I don’t really date multiple people at the same time and I definitely don’t fool around with multiple people at the same time.  I told him I only have sex in an exclusive relationship and that I felt he was just looking to date a bunch of women.  He asked me why I would make the assumption he was dating a bunch of other women.  I didn’t want to tell him about my stalking him on OK Cupid so I just said that I assume when men are on multiple dating apps that they are just looking to date around and not interested in settling down.  He told me he doesn’t have time to date around.  I realized at that moment that we had hung out the previous Sunday and Wednesday and this was the following Sunday.  I felt a little stupid after that.  I also realized that we had only been hanging out for a week and that expecting him not to be active on the dating sites was probably a bit much.  So I awkwardly took back my original statement and he suggested we go for a hike sometime that week.  I assumed I’d never hear from him again because I acted all crazy and left.

The next morning he sent me a text thanking me for coming over and bringing dinner the night before and suggesting we go for a hike something that week if the weather permitted.  The weather and our schedules didn’t really permit a hike until Friday.  He sent me texts everyday that week just telling me he hoped I’d had a good day.  It was nice.  The hike was fun.  He held my hand.  At one point a couple was walking towards us and he said “Look – it’s another couple.”  I don’t know if he did it on purpose, but he basically implied that we are a couple.  We went out to eat after that.  He was really sweet.  We got back to his house and made out in the car for a while.  I decided to have sex with him.  He acted all surprised and said “I thought you didn’t want to have sex.”  I said “I can change my mind.”  Now part of me realized that he could have been putting on the charm to trick me into relaxing and feeling safe having sex with him, but at that point I honestly didn’t care.  I liked him, but I wasn’t invested enough that I would be devastated if I never heard from him again.  The sex was good except he couldn’t climax with a condom on so I had to do more work after having an orgasm which kind of blew (pun intended).

Again I figured I may never hear from him again and I didn’t hear from him Saturday until the early evening.  He just asked me how I was doing and we exchanged a few messages.  I knew he was with his family all weekend and I had plans.  Sunday night he asked me what my week looked like and I told him Tuesday worked best.  He said that would work for him.  Tuesday he came over by me and we went to the little downtown area of the town next to me.  We ate at a new restaurant and then walked around.  He held my hands in the restaurant and kissed me on the street.  He put his arm around me when we were walking.  We came back to my house and had sex and then he told me to come cuddle with him.  We laid together and talked for probably an hour.  We were laughing and talked about some serious things too.  I started to think this guy may legitimately like me.  He asked what my weekend looked like and I told him I could hang out Saturday night after my AA meeting (I was asked to speak at a meeting I don’t normally go to).  He seemed disappointed I didn’t have more time and said “you spend a lot of time doing AA stuff, huh?”  I told him that I do, but I was on a committee for a conference in June that made me extra busy so I would have more free time in June.

I didn’t hear from him yesterday so I sent him a text asking how his day was.  He said his day was pretty rough.  We chatted about that for a couple of minutes and then said good night.  I didn’t hear from him at all today.  I have intentionally stayed off OK Cupid because I have been trying to trust the process and let things happen.  Tonight I got really curious when I didn’t hear from him since it is the first day that we haven’t had any contact in well over a week.  I went on to OK Cupid and of course, he was online.  It bothers me that he is online after dating me for nearly three weeks and telling me he doesn’t have time to date other women and that he isn’t fooling around with anyone else and doesn’t intend to.  What bothers me even more is that he is online, but didn’t find the time to send me a text.

I don’t want to hang out with him on Saturday.  I would rather hang out with my friends.  I don’t know what to do.  Should I cut my losses and tell him I’m not interested in hanging out anymore.  Do I tell him the reason?  Do I give him a chance to explain?  Do I hang out with him again?  Do I give it more time and see if he gets off the sites?  The funny thing is that since I have known he never got off the sites I haven’t either.  I haven’t gone on any dates with any other guys, but I was active tonight after I saw him online and now I want to go on date with other guys.  I have a hard time believing he is not seeing other women.  Why else would he be online so much?

So disappointing…right when I start to drop my guard.



Intuition or Fear

I am a Cancer – that is my Sun Sign.  According to most Astrology books and websites Cancerians are known for being highly intuitive.  I have always been able to sense certain things.  I knew when a boyfriend had cheated on me once and he was in another state and there was absolutely no reason for me to think so.  Another time I woke up at 5am with a feeling that someone was going to call me and he was calling at that time.  My ringer was off so if I hadn’t looked at my phone I would not have known.  Other times I just had feelings there was something off about a person and found out later that I was right.  Most of the time my intuition doesn’t really help me because I don’t like to listen to it.  I have a disease of perception and I have a hard time distinguishing between intuition and fear.  In the case of my boyfriend cheating you might say I was insecure and afraid that he wouldn’t be faithful and it was fear – rather than intuition – that drove me to call him and confront him.

I have dated a lot of men over the years.  I am 38, have been dating since I was 14 and have never been in a relationship that lasted more than 2-3 years.  There were only three of those.  I have taken time off from dating – 6 months here, 3 months there, 9 months most recently.  However, the remainder of the time I have been actively dating and a lot of it has been online.  I have been on probably close to 100 first dates.  I have likely been on at least 50 second dates.  The numbers drop significantly after that.  I have probably only been on 10-12 third dates so on and so forth.  What I have noticed is that most of the time I am not interested after the first date so I do not contact the man and if he contacts me I simply tell him I think he seems like a great guy, but I don’t see a romantic future for us.  Sometimes I will give a guy a second date before I give up, but typically I don’t like to waste my time if there was no spark.

There are rare occasions when there is a spark.  Going back I can think of the men I’ve dated that I was really into right away.  The majority of the time we would go out a second or third time, but inevitably he would slowly fade off the scene.  I would never get an explanation and would be left wondering what on earth happened.  We both seemed to have a great time with each other.  There was no way I imagined the sexual chemistry between us.  I did not have sex with him (most of the time) so it isn’t like he got what he wanted and moved on.  It is seriously baffling to me.   I eventually let it go, but then it happens again and it brings up every memory from before and can’t help but wonder if there is something wrong with me.

About a week ago I went on a date with a new guy – we’ll call him “The Realtor”.  It was a Sunday evening.  We met at a bar.  I told him right away that I don’t drink and that I am actually sober and a member of AA.  I no longer wait to disclose that shit because if that is going to scare you off then let’s not waste anyone’s time.  Plus I don’t like lying about why I can’t ever hang out on Mondays or Thursdays and why these crazy gals call me all the time and I have to answer.  The Realtor said he had actually dated a woman in the program before so he was familiar.  Cool!  The bar had a secret “back bar” that you could get to from the alley.  It was like a speakeasy.  He took me there and it was pretty cool.  We talked for over two hours.  We laughed and the conversation just flowed.  It wasn’t the typical “where are you from” and “how many siblings do you have” either.  We did ask a few generic questions, but most of the conversation was actually somewhat interesting.  We both are fascinated by serial killers so he asked me who my favorite serial killer was and I told him and then asked him who his was.  This would never be normal for most people, but I’m not most people.  We talked about comedy and music and had a lot of the same tastes in both.  When we left he sent me a text telling me he had fun with me and we should get together and play games sometime soon.  I told him I enjoyed his company and agreed that a game night sounded fun.

The Realtor sent a text the following day (Monday) asking if I was available Wednesday night.  I was so we made plans.  We sent texts back and forth Tuesday discussing what we would do the following day.  Wednesday came and the date was amazing!  We met at one bar and then rode to the next one together.  He kissed me in the car and it was the kind of kiss that makes you forget where you are for a minute.  We went and played games and laughed and talked and had a blast.  We were being flirty and cute and it felt like we had known each other for way longer than a few days.  After the bar we went to a diner to eat.  We made out in my car in the parking lot before walking into the diner.  The chemistry was unreal.  He was such a good kisser.  I actually let him get to second base in the car and yes I know I just used the sexual slang of a 13 year old boy.  I told him I hadn’t fooled around in a car like that since I was 17.  He laughed and said that was his special move.  We ate and talked some more.  It was after midnight when I brought him back to his car.  We made out and fooled around some more.

I ended up sharing with him that I have an STD that isn’t curable, but is in remission and it is highly unlikely that I will pass it to him (less than a 2% chance).  I felt like I should tell him this because things got pretty hot and heavy and I wasn’t sure what would happen the next time we hung out.   I know I wouldn’t have sex with him, but if we did other things I felt like he should still be aware.  He told me he still wanted to make out with me so we did that some more.  I felt a bit awkward at the end of the night because I felt like maybe I shouldn’t have disclosed that so early, but I guess if that is going to scare him off it is better to know now.  He sent me a text saying “Sleep well” and I didn’t respond.  I was feeling really conflicted and the thought crept into my head that every other time the chemistry had been off the charts and I really liked a guy this early the results had been negative and sometimes even quite emotionally damaging.

I spent most of Wednesday night looking at articles about instant chemistry and if it is good or bad.  The opinions were split about 50/50.  Some psychologists said that the chemistry is fine provided that there are other desirable traits and there is more to the relationship than a physical connection.  I felt like with all the time we spent hanging out and talking that there was definitely more.  Thursday morning he sent a text that said he hoped he didn’t keep me out too late and was looking forward to seeing me again.  We had discussed hanging out Sunday before we parted ways on Wednesday night.  I responded that I was tired, but it was worth it and I was looking forward to seeing him too.  I spent Thursday night looking at articles about intuition versus fear and how to know the difference.  They feel the same –  a feeling in my gut or the pit of my stomach.  A psychologist once told me that when I feel that instant connection with someone that it is addiction, not attraction and I should turn and run in the other direction.  I felt like the fear that I was feeling might be intuition telling me to steer clear of this guy because it would not end well.  However, the articles I read said that fears were based on prior negative experiences while intuition was based more on the present circumstances and an general sense of what to do next.

I talked to my sponsor today and she said to go on a third date if I want to and see where things go.  She said not to make decisions based on something one psychologist said a long time ago.  It made sense.  I sent a text to The Realtor this morning wishing him a happy Friday and asking if he was jealous I was going to see this cover band.  It was a banc we had discussed on Sunday that he made fun of me for liking.  He responded, but the response was one that did not require anything further from me.  He made no mention of future plans.  I didn’t hear from him the rest of the day.  I sent him a text about 12 hours later (this was a mistake I now realize).  He responded to that also.  We sent a couple texts back and forth, but still no mention of seeing me again and he wasn’t flirty at all.  He stopped responding.  I deleted his number so I can’t contact him again.  I logged onto the dating app we met on when I got home an hour later and he was online.  He hadn’t been online ever before when I had gone on since Sunday.  I disabled the app I met him on.  I just can’t be on it and constantly see him online.  Plus I sincerely doubt I will hear from him again because he obviously is more interested in looking for someone else than chatting with me and has made no attempt to secure plans with me.

Basically I am sad and confused and frustrated.  I just don’t understand what happened.  the STD thing weirded him out I totally get that, but then no need to text me after we parted ways and again on Thursday.  Also, no need to respond to my texts if he is moving on.  He seemed like a good guy, but the only reason I can think of for him responding to my texts today is to keep me on the hook in case nothing better comes along before Sunday.    I am not going to be contacting him again.  If on the off chance he reaches out tomorrow or Sunday I don’t even know if I want to see him again.  I feel really disenchanted and like my heart isn’t safe with him.  Another trait of a Cancerian is that we need to feel secure and safe with a romantic partner and we do not handle rejection well.  I don’t think I could be myself around him anymore.  My walls are up.  It is just sad.  I keep coming back to the same place that there is just no point in dating.  Love just eludes me for some reason and it is really painful to get my hopes up just to have them dashed yet again.

Oh and then to add salt to the wound I was scrolling through Tinder (a different app than the one I met him on) and I came across The Realtor’s profile.  I am positive he created it recently – I have been active on Tinder and know I would have come across it before if his profile had been on there for a while.  I also saw this guy who did something similar to me a few years back.  We had one date – I thought it was awesome.  I sent one text the next day and he responded, but never asked to hang out again and I never heard from him after that.  Part of me wanted to swipe right on that guy to see if we matched just to ask why he did that and why he couldn’t just be mad enough to tell me he wasn’t interested.  I decided not to be psycho and to write to you all instead.

Time for bed.  That’s all for now!


Perspective and Some Other Random Thoughts

I have been having a lot of self pity lately.  This past year has been filled with a lot of medical issues – migraine and tension headaches, pulled hamstring, pulled hip flexor, multiple styes, one stye resulting in eyelid surgery, cysts, and depression.  I can’t even tell you how many trips to the doctor I’ve taken.  My regular doc said to me yesterday, “You are just not having a good go of it lately.”  When even your doctor notices how bad your medical issues are it makes me feel justified in my self pity.

Then this weekend I find out my jack ass ex has a girlfriend and they are already taking trips up north together to see the Christmas light displays and they spent Thanksgiving together.  Apparently he isn’t the commitment phobic man he was with me.  That is just fabulous.  I love how every serious relationship I have ends and the man finds the love of his life right after while I just find the next mistake.  I related to an AA speaker I heard this weekend that said she kept thinking “I can’t make it through this.”  I keep feeling like I just want to take short term disability for being unable to handle life right now.  I don’t think that is an option though.  I just want to sleep and watch Netflix for like a month.  I’ll go to meetings and do all my AA stuff.  I just don’t want to do anything else.  It’s just too hard.

However, the speaker was talking about not being able to make it through her striking and killing a man with her car while she was drunk driving.  I am complaining about some medical annoyances (all are treatable) and a stupid ex that I don’t ever want to think about again.  Perspective.  I heard another man share who was paralyzed from the waist down 15 years ago in a car accident.  He will never walk again.  I am complaining because I can’t dance quite as exuberantly as I want to due to pulling my hip flexor.  Perspective.  I went to a hockey game last night and they had all these kids there that were battling cancer and they were celebrating them and raising money to help them fight cancer.  I have a stye and can’t wear eye makeup.  Perspective.

I am lucky.  I am really, really, lucky.  I drove drunk hundreds of times.  I didn’t kill anyone or maim myself.  I am able to hike to the most beautiful spots on earth.  I can dance my heart out with my friends.  I have friends!  I have a family that loves me.  I found AA and have been sober for 17 years.  I have a career and work at a good company with great people who respect and value me.  I am a miracle.  I am blessed.  Why can’t I just be grateful?  Because my brain is broken and wants me drunk.  It tells me to focus on what I don’t have and what is wrong with my life rather than focusing on what I do have and what is right in my life.  I can’t let my brain win.  I have to use my heart.

Love/Hate Relationship with Relationships and Dating

Hi.  It has been a while since I last posted.  My on again off again sociopathic boyfriend and I broke up for good in February of this year.  I did have a sex relapse with him during Shark Weed this summer, but it only lasted a couple of weeks.  It was still stupid and he gave me an STD which was a curable one, thank God.  I learned my lesson though and shall have no further contact with him at all.

I dated a personal trainer for about a month sometime in the spring, but he ended up being a daily drinker and a pot smoker so that didn’t really work out.  I’ve been on a couple dates here and there since.  Some were guy I met online and others were guys from AA, but nobody ever made it past the second date.  I wasn’t really feeling it with any of them.  Plus, relationships are work and require compromise and in my experience they typically end terribly and put me through a tremendous amount of pain and anguish.

I had my first real crush on a guy since my ex – like a real crush – not one of my “well he is kind of cute and there isn’t anyone else around to crush on so he’ll do” crushes.  He has 4 years sober, is super nice, smart, successful, active in service, and physically active.  He has been hanging out with my friend group lately and has been liking (actually hearting) most of my photos and posts on Facebook and Instagram.  Oh and yes this is how I find out if he has a crush on me these days.  All signs were pointing to yes, but then on Saturday night after most people left the party my crush and I were the only ones who remained to help clean up.  Once we were done the host walked us to the door.  I hadn’t finished putting my shoes on and my crush said good night and bolted out the door.  He didn’t hug me goodbye like he had everyone else.  He basically ran for his life.

I am fairly certain he knows I have a crush on him because I bought his movie ticket and put our seats next to each other and then I sat by him on Saturday night.  My friends are not subtle and kept saying things like “you guys keep choosing each other’s cards” while we played games.  He probably felt as pressured as the inside of my Instant Pot.  It is no surprise he bolted.  Prior to his bolting he also asked the host about another woman that had been at the party.  The questions were innocent enough, but I assume it means he liked my friend because that is what usually happens to me when I like the type of guy all my friends and family keep telling me I deserve.

So today I am all in my head.  I have noticed that when I have logged onto Facebook he was online, but quickly logged off.  It happened more than once.  I have not posted anything on Facebook or Instagram since Saturday nor do I intend to.  I am not going to contact him for any reason.  I am going to do my own thing this weekend and stay completely out of that circle.  This is why I don’t even like having crushes.  They suck and lead to feelings of rejection and depression.  Even when my crush does reciprocate the feelings it turns out that he is actually a psycho predator that is secretly a sex addict and is incapable of loving anyone but himself so that is even worse.

I wish I could teach my foolish heart to stop hoping.  My head knows it was time to give up long ago.  My life is actually really good without any of this romantic bs.  I have traveled all over this past year and done all sorts of fun and amazing things.  My career is going extremely well.  I am close to my family.  I have a new kitten.  I don’t need anything else in my life and just wish I could learn to be content with what I have.  It is so much more than a lot of other people have.  I do feel grateful, but the heart wants what the heart wants.


I wish I could just erase my memories

I seriously did a google search on “memory erasing hypnosis” today.  I didn’t come across anything that sounded legit.  I did find references to the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” which is now on my list of movies to watch.  I wish I could erase Nick from my mind – every single memory.  I just want to forget.  I want to be able to see him and think “who is this slightly overweight, inappropriate, shallow guy?”  I don’t want to remember the good times and I don’t want to remember the bad times.  I want to wake up tomorrow and just be some single girl who never dated a meth addict that couldn’t or wouldn’t love her back.

I do regret my past and wish to shut the door on it.  I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know from this relationship.  I knew I didn’t like liars and that emotionally unavailable men were my  downfall.  I knew I shouldn’t date men in early recovery and I shouldn’t stay after they relapse.  I knew I shouldn’t let him move in under less than ideal circumstances and I knew I shouldn’t take him back after he told me he wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that he had already committed to.  I certainly knew to trust my gut rather than listen to my stupid heart.

They say not to let pain make you hate or the world make you cold.  I don’t want to hate or be cold which is why I just want to forget.  It is hard when every song I hear, every friend I have, and every show I watch triggers a memory I have of him.  Thoughts of him encompass me like surround sound and I can’t seem to shut him out.  I pray for God to remove my obsession and direct my thinking where He would have me be.  I guess I will just keep praying.  I hope you weren’t expecting a light hearted, uplifting post.  Maybe tomorrow?


Interesting Break-Up Facts According to a Survey Conducted by One Poll

*I have added my own comments in Italics


1. Spending time alone – check
2. Watching films and TV – check
3. Spending time with friends – check
4. Spending time with family – check
5. Treating yourself with food – check
6. Taking a walk – I would, but I pulled my hip flexor dancing my blues away
7. Get rid of ex-partner’s stuff – everything but a belt I found that I should probably give to a mutual friend at some point and a toothbrush that I now use to clean my toilet
8. Go on dates/pursue other people – check
9. Avoid social media – blocked the ex so no real need for this
10. Browse on dating apps – check


Stop looking at an ex’s social media regularly – 5 weeks – I blocked him from all social media immediately
Stop crying about the break-up – 6 weeks – I tend to have a delayed emotional reaction to breakups so I just started crying about it at 6 weeks.  I am at 8 weeks now.  I assume I’ll be done by 10 weeks.
Delete the ex’s number – 6.5 weeks – I also did this immediately along with deleting all voicemails, text messages, and blocking his number
Get rid of all their stuff from your place – 7 weeks – It has been 8 weeks and I still have the belt.  Fine!  I will get rid of it this week!
Delete or remove pics of them – 7.5 weeks – I’m a Cancer and I am the Cosmic Collector.  I never get rid of memories.  I’ll still have pictures of my highschool sweethearts (of course I had more than one, but not at the same time)
Stop talking about them/ bringing them up in conversation – 8 weeks – I am going to try and stop now so I will be right on time with this
Start dating someone else properly – 13.5 weeks – I did the rebound thing with a hot personal trainer who ended up being crazy.   I’ve been on first dates with a couple of other guys.  I highly doubt I will date anyone seriously in the next 5.5 weeks, but if I do I will make sure to do it improperly.


1. Ice cream – check
2. Pizza – check
3. Fried food – check
4. Cake/cupcake – check, but not enough
5. Burgers – check
6. Chocolate-chip cookies – check
7. French fries – check
8. M&M’s – check
9. Mexican – no and this needs to be addressed immediately
10. Cheesecake – I don’t like cheesecake, but I’ve have cheese and cake so check?
11. Chinese – check
12. Tacos – check
13. Oreo’s – check
14. Fried chicken – check
15. Steak – check
16. Mac and cheese – check
17. Krispy Kreme glazed donut – I might have to go on a road trip to accomplish this one
18. Apple pie – nope and I won’t.  Mushy apples are gross.
19. Spaghetti – nope, but lots of other Italian food. 
20. Wings – heck no!  Wings were my ex’s favorite. 

***This survey of 2000 US adults was conducted between January 19 and January 27, 2017 by Market Researchers OnePoll and commissioned by Yelp Eat 24.

I Don’t Give a Damn How Your Day is Going

Warning: I have decided to do all my angry venting and depressive whining on my blog rather than wearing down my friends and family so you may want to take a break from reading my posts for a couple of months.  A special note to my friends that read my blog: if I don’t bring this up to you in real life it is because I do not want to talk about it.  Don’t feel bad.  I am trying to save our friendship.  🙂

Mother fucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I seriously wish I never met Nick.  I know I chose to date him 8 times so this is all my fault, but this blog is not about being accountable; it is a place to vent to perfect strangers so I don’t lose my mind.  Jackass told me Friday he would have all his stuff out of my house except for two big items by Saturday.  He would have the two big items out by September 30th.  Nick sent a text Saturday afternoon saying he got one load and asked if he could get another load Monday after work.  I told him he could and asked if he still planned to have everything out by September 30th.  He said he did.  I told him my friend was selling some of her living room furniture at low prices to get rid of it since she bought new furniture.  I was trying to be nice.  I am not sure why.

I saw Nick later that night at a party.  He was doing just fine.  He did not even seem to be disturbed at all.  Nick went to the Sunday night meeting.  He seemed totally fine again.  I was on the verge of tears most of the meeting.  Two women were there who haven’t been to a meeting in a very long time.  It was so good to see them.  My sponsee and those women were the only reason I was able to make it through the meeting.  I avoided him at all costs.  I walked out and Nick was standing right by my car talking to some dude after the meeting.  I walked out of my way to avoid passing him, got into my car and left.  I went home and cried.

I read this article by a psychologist last night that talked about unrequited love.  She basically said that we have to accept the rejection and move on.  There is no point in trying to change the rejector’s mind or win them back.  Even if we succeed, the rejector will likely just break up with us again eventually.  This made me feel like I did the right thing by ending the relationship rather than trying to date Nick after he moved out.  The psychologist said something along the lines of “reject the rejector.”  She also said that someone that doesn’t love us back doesn’t deserve our love.  She talked about someone being willing to “put you on hold” doesn’t truly love you and deserve you.  I thought that was a perfect description of what Nick was trying to do in this situation.  My new mantra is “Anyone that can put me on hold doesn’t deserve me.”

So back to why I am so mad (I am already less mad than I was when I started writing this)…Nick bought fish and has some in the fridge and some in the freezer.  It smells and the garbage truck comes tomorrow.  I sent Nick a text saying “Please take the fish from the fridge and freezer tonight when you come by if you want it.  If not, I will throw it out with the trash tomorrow.”  He responded with “My day is going ok!  Thanks for asking.  How is yours?  I will grab the fish out of the freezer.  Thanks for the reminder!”  I wanted to write “I cared about your days for years and it brought me nothing but pain and misery.  I don’t give a god damn fuck how your day is going.”  Man I still want to write that.  It would feel so good……………………until I had to tell my sponsor about it.

Back to work.