A few years ago I started dating Nick – aka Nathaniel back when I was trying to protect his anonymity, but since those of you that follow me either know me well enough to know exactly who I am talking about or do not know me at all I figure I am safe to use his real first name. Nick was really funny and silly and we had so much fun together. It made me wonder why I spent so many years dating the super intense guys that were always so serious. I just figured it out!
When I am dating a super intense, serious guy I get to be the fun one. I really like to be the fun one and I’m pretty good at it. I am extremely adept at acting several years younger than I actually am, staying up way too late, coming up with ridiculously funny/slightly insane and idiotic things to do, keeping things light, and making people laugh. I was the entertainer in my family. It comes naturally to me. The down side to being the fun one is that sometimes the intense, serious boyfriend can be a real drag and I would find myself wishing I was out with my friends rather than hanging out with him. I would wish he could just lighten up sometimes.
Then I met Nick. At first things were wonderful. He made me laugh and we had as much fun together as I had with any of my girlfriends. We enjoyed doing a lot of the same activities – running, going to the gym, playing games, going to coffee and hanging out, sporting events, etc. He once told me I was his best friend, his super hot best friend. It was really sweet. Eventually the vicious cycle of relapses began and you all know how the next few years played out.
Nick and I have been back together now for five months and he moved in with me a few weeks ago. We have been bickering since he moved in, but nothing too serious until Monday night. He brought up a topic which we had already discussed and agreed upon prior to his moving in. Nick had a dog that passed away a little over a year ago. He told me he wanted another dog at some point in the future and I told him I was on board with that. However, I told him I wanted to wait until we had a house (which he knows I won’t buy until we are married) and that I would like to wait until one or both of my cats pass away. They are both 10 years old so it could be a while, but the bottom line is we aren’t even engaged so there is no reason to worry about it now anyway. Nick was asking if we could get a dog before the cats passed and he basically wants one now. I told him I wouldn’t get one while we lived in this house and that we agreed on that before he moved in and he got upset. Apparently, he was mad that the topic wasn’t up for discussion because we already agreed on it. I was so frustrated. What is the point of having discussions and making agreements if nobody sticks to the agreements and changes their minds all the time? I couldn’t help thinking about the fact that Nick has no time to take care of a puppy right now. He wouldn’t be able to train it properly and he can’t afford to take it to get trained professionally. The responsibility of the dog would fall on me.
I realized suddenly that I was reacting just like a parent would when their child wanted a pet because I am basically dating a giant child. He gets to be the fun one and I have to be the sensible one that takes care of everything. Nick often refers to me as Debbie (as in Debbie Downer) because I bring up things he hasn’t thought about that need to be considered and they are usually potential challenges or obstacles. However, if I don’t bring these things up and just let him proceed we’ll end up going up north and spending hundreds of dollars on a weekend just to have it rain the whole time. I am the one that checks the weather and makes sure we can still reserve a room at a hotel so we don’t get stranded. Sometimes it means we can’t go where we want and have to change our plans and somehow that makes me the bad guy. It is no fun being the drag and the one that has to be serious.
I just wish Nick would think ahead some of the time. It would be so nice not to have to be the voice of reason every single time.
Affairs of the Heart 