I go through phases where I am in acceptance of the fact that God’s plan may not be for me to find a romantic partner to share my life with. I wouldn’t say I am ever at peace with that necessarily, but I can get to a place where I accept it. During those times I may be a little sad and lonely and wonder why God put the desire in my heart to be with someone if he didn’t intend to fulfill that desire, but I can’t expect to understand how God works. Before you say “I am sure God has someone just for you and when you are ready” or “You will find someone as soon as you stop looking” or anything else you might be tempted to say to me let me explain why those statements are hurtful and irritating to someone like me.
First of all, there have been times I wasn’t looking and the men that “appeared” during those times hurt me worse than the men I found when looking. The unexpected relationships gave me more hope since everyone says you find the one when you aren’t looking. I was asked out by a guy I had a crush on for over a year after I had completely given on the possibility of dating him. It happened on a day I rolled out of bed and put some dry shampoo in my hair and wasn’t even wearing makeup. We dated for a few months and in the beginning it was amazing. We had so much in common and we spent time together as friends first. Then we began dating and the physical chemistry between us was unbelievable. Slowly, he seemed to lose interest in me and when I would question him about it he would say he was just busy and stressed with work or depressed because he hated his job. We worked together so I knew that those things were true, but something didn’t feel right. Finally, after about a month of him growing more and more distant I told him that he wasn’t behaving in the way a man does when he really cares about a woman and I wasn’t going to accept any excuses. He admitted that he believed I was more emotionally connected to him than he was to me and wasn’t sure how I would feel about that. Well I didn’t feel good about that at all. I told him I didn’t want to be with someone I liked more than he liked me. He then went on to say that there was no reason not to like me…I was beautiful and a great person. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I told him there wasn’t anything else to discuss and to take care. I have had to spend 40 hours a week with him right outside my office door ever since. 🙂
I didn’t really date much after that. Nobody really compared to him. I thought about calling him all the time. I don’t know why. It didn’t make sense that I would want to spend time with someone who didn’t care about me and made me feel so terrible. I was just so sad that things didn’t work out when they started out so well. I had real hope that he was someone special and that this relationship might be significant and he didn’t even like me. I felt so stupid for allowing myself to care about someone so much and to have hope. I should know better. Relationships never work out for me. I don’t know why I can’t just give up completely and stay in the acceptance of being alone.
December rolled around and I had started dating again. I came across a man on Tinder (I know – Tinder was my first mistake) and we matched. He instantly messaged me and was funny and seemed like a genuine person. After a couple of days of messaging I realized we had gone to high school together and he was in my graduating class. He looked totally different and I had not recognized him. He knew who I was and I caught on before he figured out I didn’t recognize him at first. He asked me out and we went to a restaurant. We talked for 6 hours. The server actually had to kick us out so they could close. He walked me to my car and gave me a hug. The next day he sent me a text telling me he had a great time. I responded saying I had a great time as well and would love to hang out again. He asked when I was available and I told him I was free the following day and later that week. He chose the following day so we went bowling and then back to my house to watch a shark movie (we are both shark nerds). We spent about 7 hours together on the second date. I found him so attractive – especially his eyes. I could seriously stare into them forever. He was one of the nice guys – or so I thought. Finally I was attracted to a normal, nice guy. The next day he was distant and the following day he completely ignored my text. The day after he sent a text apologizing for not getting back to me sooner and that he thinks he might take a break from dating and best wishes. I was like WTF? Again, I allowed myself to have hope. I was so angry at myself. I had already been depressed so this hit really hard. I don’t think I had fully recovered from the earlier rejection so this was rejection on top of rejection. Plus I have no idea what happened. I wrote back and asked for an explanation if he cared to share. He never responded. The thing is I still think he is one of the nice ones. I have been screwed over by nice ones before. I don’t understand what makes me such an easy mark – why are men like “oh she’s a great person, let me just fuck her head up a bit”. I want to tell them to go mess with mean girls. I don’t mean to sound like a victim. I am the one who continues to open my heart up only to be wounded yet again so it is all my fault.
I hate feeling the way I felt when the high school guy ignored my text. I was so sad and defeated. I really wanted to do something to numb the pain and I am sober so I don’t really have a way to do that without giving up 18 years of sobriety. I decided after this last blow that I am really done with dating. I know it will be hard at first, but eventually I will get used to it. Dating is like any other habit. I just need to get new routines and get used to living without it. I got off all dating sites and all social media. Facebook and Instagram were just other places where I could send a friend request to a cute guy I met at a party or some guy could like my posts and I could get excited only to discover he likes everyone’s posts and it means nothing. I am hoping I can eventually go back to social media and stay away from that bullshit, but for now it is too big a temptation. This is Day 2 and it has been really hard. I keep picking up my phone and realizing I have absolutely no reason to look at it. I will hear it if someone calls or sends a text and the only emails I get are bill reminders and telemarketing. I do have more time to post on here and meditate. I will probably post a lot because I have so many thoughts and feelings and I don’t want to suck the emotional energy out of all my friends.
I would love to hear from anyone that is living a single life intentionally and how they cope with the lack of physical affection and loneliness.
K