I seriously did a google search on “memory erasing hypnosis” today. I didn’t come across anything that sounded legit. I did find references to the movie “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” which is now on my list of movies to watch. I wish I could erase Nick from my mind – every single memory. I just want to forget. I want to be able to see him and think “who is this slightly overweight, inappropriate, shallow guy?” I don’t want to remember the good times and I don’t want to remember the bad times. I want to wake up tomorrow and just be some single girl who never dated a meth addict that couldn’t or wouldn’t love her back.
I do regret my past and wish to shut the door on it. I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know from this relationship. I knew I didn’t like liars and that emotionally unavailable men were my downfall. I knew I shouldn’t date men in early recovery and I shouldn’t stay after they relapse. I knew I shouldn’t let him move in under less than ideal circumstances and I knew I shouldn’t take him back after he told me he wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that he had already committed to. I certainly knew to trust my gut rather than listen to my stupid heart.
They say not to let pain make you hate or the world make you cold. I don’t want to hate or be cold which is why I just want to forget. It is hard when every song I hear, every friend I have, and every show I watch triggers a memory I have of him. Thoughts of him encompass me like surround sound and I can’t seem to shut him out. I pray for God to remove my obsession and direct my thinking where He would have me be. I guess I will just keep praying. I hope you weren’t expecting a light hearted, uplifting post. Maybe tomorrow?
Affairs of the Heart 